I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
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Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name