[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
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I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
honestly, i need both:
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
dream blunt rotation
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Someone just threatened to call me later
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn