Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
You Might Also Like
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Morning my dudes.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.