There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
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an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
turning my gender off to conserve energy
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.