[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
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Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I cannot stop laughing at this
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
this FaceApp is creepy af
Single and childfree like Jesus
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?