GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
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burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
can’t talk my ride’s here
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*