Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
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I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
The Compass
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better