I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
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Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Twitter is the new flypaper.