flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
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WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Schrödinger’s cookie
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.