Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
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Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*