The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
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Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I hope they boil the right one.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything