My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
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DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
i dont have time for this
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Strange
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”