Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
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*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings