FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
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The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u