Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
You Might Also Like
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
🤣
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto