Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
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What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.