If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
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just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
She: I like Cats
He:
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.