dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
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ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.