Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
i like to flex on them by shrugging
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I’m awake but I object,
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”