Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
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the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
The “baby” on the left….
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.