ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
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cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”