[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
✌️
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I have written yet another poem about laundry
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast