[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
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I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.