HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
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What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.