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This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!