Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
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When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
this isn’t threatening at all
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.