Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
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If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Oops I deleted….
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks