How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
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You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.