My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
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Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”