Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
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Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Happy Caturday!
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
The pen is writier than the sword.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.