It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
You Might Also Like
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion