Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
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Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf