Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
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MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Wake me when AI does housework
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on