My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
You Might Also Like
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
What’s so funny?
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?