[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
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So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
WTF IS THAT!
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist