Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
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I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again