If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
You Might Also Like
Not my job 😂
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”