A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
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I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
You sure about that?
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you