They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
You Might Also Like
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.