boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
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[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.