Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
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What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
i could never be president. im overqualified.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now