Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
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Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction