”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
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Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.