“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
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Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.