Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
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Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.