I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
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My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Social distancing in Australia:
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is