MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
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Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
#Caturday
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton