This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
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me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I bet
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Milk Cube
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life