My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
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It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
😂😂😂
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Love this one 😂🧟
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.