Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
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They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life